The New Year

I've gotten a couple of emails wondering why my posts have slowed down. The holidays and New Year brought lots to do. Not alot of time to think, just lots to do

I saw my LLMD a week ago Monday. She started antibiotics again, after having me off them for two weeks. I felt better off the meds, but still had lingering symptoms, so it's on again we go. The rule of thumb is that you must be 2 months symptom free before they will stop treatment. With a myriad of diseases and symptoms, getting to a symptom free zone is alot tougher than you would imagine. I think it's possibly time for me to switch to some herbals for a while. I'm going to call today and see if I can switch to something else. It's been 2 and a half years of these toxic meds running through my bloodstream. I need a longer break.

I am eternally hopeful that there truly is a way out of this disease. Sometimes I wonder. I lay in bed and my mind wanders, wondering if this is really an incurable disease, and if it is, maybe I'll just get to a certain level of wellness and that will be it. Unable to go any further. I guess that would be alright with me. On and off low doses of antibiotics for the rest of my days. Lyme Patients do live that way.

Sometimes I feel that since I was diagnosed, a timer has been set on my life. A timer of wellness. Something like, "you have 10 years of possible semi-decent health before your body succumbs and you can't be treated, so do as much as you can." I wonder if it's all that simple. There are so many things I would like to do. If the moon and the stars aligned themselves, and we had the money and I felt well enough....I would certainly do them. How does it work with people who have worked hard, whose children have flown the nest and they travel and do everything they always wanted? Is that a fairy tale? Is it possible for people to really do all they have looked forward to?

I think about people I've known who reach this point in their lives and either one of the spouses dies, or their marriage ends in divorce. Gone are the plans. I once worked with a lady who was married for 40 years. She and her husband retired and on the first day of her husband's retirement, he had a heart attack and died. She was completely devastated. They had all kinds of plans and as the days ticked down to retirement, she had all kinds of brochures on her desk of places they were going to visit. Israel, France, and I believe a cruise somewhere. She never suspected her grand plan to be altered. She was a devout Catholic. I remember she was completely shaken after her husband's death and couldn't understand why God did this to her. God, my friends is an entirely other post.

I guess it unreasonable to think life is that easy. Seems that all families have something, and we never know what is in store.

The third New Year being sick, has again, given me a chance for pause. The Christmas decorations are put away, the house is clean and uncluttered again. The distractions are gone, the kids are gone, and it's me alone again trying to figure out this disease. My husband continues to work hard as we try to stay ahead of our bills. We are losing ground, there is no question. I worry about the stress he is under. This was never part of our grand plan. Never.