Change

The thing about being sick for a long time, is that the world around you doesn't stop. People still live in forward motion, while the sick person is at a stand still. It's like being plucked from the earth and taken off to some other place where you hang out in limbo hopes of returning to good health. Parents and children grow older and along with that growth are positives and negatives. The older children become, the more difficult the problems and consequences. Aging parents are more dependent, their minds become slower and duller. The house is older, and things need replacement, the dog is older and more feeble.

I hate to jinx myself, but I think my new LLMD is making a difference. I was dreading the holidays, imagining myself, laying on the couch for the 3rd year, watching my family do all the food shopping and preparation of dinners. I envisioned myself making my way to the dinner table, again, my head pounding and feeling like I had the flu; my muscles aching and the room spinning. I am not symptom free by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't on the couch this Christmas, I was able to help in dinner preps and be a part of the laughter and even a few arguments. I even made it to church on Christmas Eve. I haven't been for the last 2 Christmases, so I see it as a mile stone. I took my afternoon naps, which refueled me enough to make through the day.

I feel like I am waking up from a coma. Everything seems different to me. The lessons I have learned about myself, my relationships, my family, the world as I now see it are immeasurable. I feel like I am figuring it out all over again. Perhaps I never had it figured out to begin with.

For years I have been meeting a dear friend at a restaurant a little over an hour away. We used to meet once maybe twice a year for our chat sessions. She used to be my neighbor and she has grown into one of my dearest and most cherished friends. Through out this illness she has sincerely tried to keep up with the constant drug changes and list of ever changing symptoms as the bacteria in my bloodstream is being killed off. I haven't been able to meet her at our designated location in over 2 years.

Well, yesterday I was able to meet her! We put together a last minute plan to meet and I did it. We had so much to talk about....so much to confide in each other, catching up on our kids, our husbands, and how life is changing for us all. The lovely people at the restaurant we frequent for these get togethers, allowed us to sit in the booth for 7 hours and talk and laugh and be ourselves. The time flew by. I didn't have to leave early, and I was able to make the drive home....tired but feeling fulfilled.

I actually felt like my old self in many ways, but also changed; older....more worn out by the disease, and the realizations of the positive and negative changes in the growth of my children, the duller mind and more arthritic ravashes of my aging mother, the house is older, needs more repairs and the dog sleeps most of the day at over age 12; life is moving forward for us.

I hope I can stay well enough to enjoy the ride.