The Beach

Just before I got sick, my husband and I purchased a place at the Delaware shore. We had vacationed here for years. Our children were really young when we started coming here. We were hooked on the beautifully clean uncrowded beaches, the wholesome family environment and the warm water of the Atlantic Ocean. I have been riding the waves here for a long time. Owning a place at the beach was a dream come true for us. We saw ourselves retiring here.

Now I don't know. We may not be able to keep our place at the beach. Without my salary we may lose it. But I try not to think about that too much right now.

My trusty dog Daphne and I arrived here a week ago. The beach has always been a place of solace for me. I love to watch the waves ebb and flow. I feel like I am part of nature here. The way the ocean cleans itself, takes care of itself. The dolphins go by looking for fish, and birds dive bomb from the sky, straight down into the water to claim their dinner. The gulls walk close to me when I am sitting on the sand. Of course, they too look for a snack or their dinner, but it amazes me that they will come within 1 foot of me and not be afraid. I love the feeling of the sand under my feet and the warmth of the sun on my face. I love to watch the surfers and the children creating sand castles. I love the salt water and riding the waves in the ocean. I feel a sense of renewal here. I am still sick, but I feel more a part of life here. Perhaps I should have always lived here; maybe this is where I have always belonged. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten sick had I lived here.

I've told my family that if anything should happen to me, I want my ashes to be sprinkled at one of my favorite places on the beach here. This is where I want to be. Near the ocean, near the dolphins and birds....close to nature and not afraid.

For now, I am sticking to my same treatment protocol. I drive to a hospital once a week to have my IV Glutathione infusion. I keep taking all the drugs hoping with each passing day, I get one day closer to the last day. I still have good days and bad days.....some mornings are better than afternoons....some evenings better than the daytime. There is no rhyme, reason or predictability to my days.

Right now the one constant, is that the ocean is there everyday. I am still taking it one day at a time, never knowing what tomorrow will bring.