My husband's mother died from Stage 4 Breast Cancer when he was 18 years old. She was 54. I never knew her, but I have heard him talk about her over the years and seen many pictures. They are the typical pictures from that era; black and whites of family picnics, outings to parks with her, his dad and his brothers along with his cousins aunts and uncles. He has told us about her kind and gentle soul, her loving spirit and huge heart toward everyone who crossed her path.
He also speaks very frankly about how his family essentially fell apart after her death. His Dad did the best he could to handle it all but eventually remarried and his new wife's life became his. Gone were the family gatherings, and gone from my husband's life was the intuition and spirit with which mothers subconsciously guide their children. He talks about being lost after her death ...leaving college....then finally returning back. Personally I know we have missed having her as a grandmother to our children and a presence in our lives.
I have been sick for over 2 years and who knows how long prior to diagnosis. It's along time to be on the sidelines, and try to coach from afar. Anyone close to me knows that I have worried how this 2 year gap in attention will effect my children. My children are not young; they are 23 and 21. But they are still my children and as we know, in many cases these days, 30 is the new 20, so it stands to reason my worrying maybe warranted.
I have been rendered unable to work due to this disease. I lost a Photography business that I owned for over 20 years. I lost all the camaraderie and importance that came along with that job along with the huge creative outlet it brought to my life. I have lost relationships and the ability to attend social events due to this illness. I have lost alot more than I can say due to being sick, but clearly the truest loss to me is the distance this disease has put between myself and my children.
Don't get me wrong. We all try. They try to be patient and ask how I am feeling. I try not to talk about it too much because their lives are full, and I am truthfully more interested in hearing what they are doing, rather then repeating the same list of Lyme symptoms over again. They know when I say "good days, and bad days" that nothing has really changed. We got through the motions in that regard.
I know having a sick mom has affected them. How could it not? It probably will affect them for life, but I do hope that there will be a day when they will speak of this time as "I remember when my Mom had Lyme", not that "My Mom has had Lyme for 30 years."
So as I think of my children today, and the days I tied their shoes, cleaned their boo boos, listened to their heartache and wiped away their tears, my heart is sad. For two years I haven't been much help, I regret, for I am the one with doing the suffering. The equation is out of wack, and it makes me most uncomfortable.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
E
ReplyDeleteYour writing left me teary. The impact of this disease has no limits. I was 13 when I lost my mother and I can tell you that my experience is identical to your husband's. There is no greater loss than the loss of a mother. But you should know that I would have done anything in the world to have my mother on this earth in any capacity, just living and breathing for me to hug and hold close. Your children are more resilient than you think, they know there mother is there and they can see you, feel your love and touch you when they need to. They know that you are there for them. xo
L